Minor changes in controlling my behavior yield major effects, while major efforts to control life yield only major tension and stress.
Monthly Archives: October 2009
My favorite thing about me is that I’ve finally learned how to operate this vehicle that I am. When someone like a beloved husband angers me to near insanity, I can stay in control of myself. Now, he, (this husband), would say, “Who makes you angry? I make you angry? It can’t happen; you are in control of your feelings.” It didn’t always seem so. And control of myself; there is an illusion for you. But I am able finally to act instead of react and of this I am very proud. Heck I earned it starting with all the practice I had with those siblings of mine.
I collect material to compost. Why? Gardening and I go way back. When my mother would say, “No eating until dinner,” I went in the backyard and picked berries and green beans and/or a tomato warm in the sun.
Topsoil is one of our most precious resources and it takes many years to form. It would bother me if I did not compost my kitchen wastes. I would feel like I was failing the future. Is that a little dramatic? It doesn’t bother me if you don’t compost. But it sure would if I didn’t. I used to put kitchen wastes, (no meat or fat), in whatever disposable container I had. My favorite was the clear plastic oblong that baby lettuces came in. Then after I emptied it into my compost pile, I rinse it and put it in the recycling.
My daughter visited and said, Mom that looks gross. She was right. I wasn’t focused on that at all. My husband got some stainless steel canister sets. We use the small ones for rice and beans. Now I use the big ones for compost collecting. I compost the easy way. I dump everything in a pile on the ground and keep a pile of yard clippings to layer over the grosser looking things. Each year I start a new pile and after three years I use the first pile to enrich my garden. I don’t turn the pile or wet it. Just plop it, wait and use it. I do put it far back from the house because once I heard a wild boar out there at night. I think it was a boar. I heard grunts and heavy breathing.
When I moved here to this desert, it was mostly rock. I never saw a worm when I planted. My neighbor has a jack hammer he loans out when people want to dig a hole. This year I started seeing worms around my coffee trees. That’s a good thing.
When my granddaughter left, I asked what her favorite thing here was? She said walking to the “signpost’ pile.
There have been many turning points in my life. One that was fun, was when I was living in Brooklyn. There was a group makeover session available with David Kibbe who wrote METAMORPHOSIS: DISCOVER YOUR IMAGE IDENTITY AND DAZZLE AS ONLY YOU CAN. Oh joy, what an opportunity. At the time I was a newly divorced student in a relationship that wasn’t good for me.
It was so exciting. There were six of us. The master, David came in and started on one of the others. He held up fabric swatches in different colors and I could see the transformation in the others. The colors he chose enlivened them. MY colors had been done previously by a lovely lady, SO, I already knew that I was a ‘summer’ As long as I can remember I have been attracted to soft muted colors, grayed and lovely. It was perfect that I was in a group because I could see the dramatic improvement in the others. I saw that people seemed to be rejecting the information or at least feel challenged by it. I made a decision to be open to what he offered about me. OMG, he held up a lime green color and bright orange. He said I was a ‘bright spring.’ He suggested I color my hair a strawberry blonde. He quickly added that I could go with a golden blonde to start getting used to the idea.
When I was 14, my aunt showed me how to dye my dirty blond hair. I added an extra product to take out the red highlights that kept showing up. I carefully kept my hair a pale ash blonde.
David told me that I have a fresh and sensual body type like Goldie Hawn. Sensual! I grew up in Catholic school. We weren’t even supposed to have a body. OMG.
I went for it and had my hair dyed strawberry blonde. I trusted that even though I couldn’t see it, there was something there for me. David talked us through putting on makeup in new ways and colors. I looked beautiful. I felt beautiful. The butterfly that was me emerged and it felt so free to get out of that little box that crushed my wings.
On the subway home, people talked to me and it was magical. Best of all, my boyfriend looked at me and never came near me again.
I still puzzle over why I was so attracted to the muted colors. In the bright colors, I am happy and free. In the muted ones I am trying to be what others want.
Soon after that I moved to California, where I met my current husband in a class. Actually three men pursued me. I remember going to class early and sitting with an empty seat on each side of me. I was hoping that Barney would sit in one of them. These other two men sat on either side of me and I was so bummed as Barney came in late. It was completely clear to me that these other two men couldn’t do anything that would attract me to them, except be Barrney. It was so wonderful to be clear about love. That’s another story.